This week’s fiveminutefriday.com post: writing freely and unhindered for 5 minutes.
I’m trying to learn a new idea of success, this idea where success is measured by the small things, in the quiet and inconspicuous things. (Like maybe I’ll be okay inside my own skin.) I’m practicing the art of being still, of listening rather than doing. I’m learning that my success isn’t in what I do, what I have to do. For a girl with a Martha mentality, this is no small feat. It fact, it’s excruciating some days. I was raised in a household where my value was measured by the tasks I accomplished, and by how well (or unwell) those tasks were completed. Truth be told, I fell short. Always. There was never a “good job” let alone a “thank you”. No matter how hard I tried. This cultivated in me a critical eye, a judgmental attitude that extends beyond myself, to you, but to be sure mostly within me. I was never enough, never good enough, always failing, always wrong. I’m 50 now and just learning that the let-downs I feel from others are ultimately born and bred within myself, within this shell of a woman always going, always doing, always searching, fixing, plotting and planning… all these ideas of where I’ll finally be okay if only I’d succeed. One thing. That’s all I need; just that one thing I do well, that one “good job”, that one “thank you”. But, this shell keeps hoping you’ll see beyond the skin into the heart that longs to please. I’m 50 now and learning that it’s my shell who’s like Martha. Inside, I have a heart like Mary. Inside I’m realizing that it’s okay to be still and just sit at the feet of Jesus, the one who sees my heart, who knows it all and still says to me, “It’s okay. I love you just the same.”